All Tied Up
by encoder
Summary: When neither Zee nor Ro know what to do, hilarious stuff happens. This story was written in one fell swoop during the wee hours of the morning, so you have caffine to thank for this really long summary. Reviews please!


This story is brought to you by Caffine. All rights belong to whoever owns **The Zeta Project**. Exept for Max. He belongs to me. Not that I really want him. Or that I think I will ever use him again. I guess he just technically belongs to me.

Just a reminder: This story occurs when Zee and Ro are still on the run.

**All Tied Up**

"Ok, Zee, remind me _why_ I agreed to this?" Asked Ro, wrinkling her nose at her reflection in the mirror.

"Because if Bucky needs to be rescued from an all boys school, we need to blend in with boys." Said Zee, who was changing his hologram appearance according to Ro's direction. The plan to bust Bucky out of the all boys school that his father had forcefully put him in was that Ro would find and isolate Bucky while posing as a student for the day. Meanwhile, Zee, disguised as an inspector, would smuggle Bucky out while Ro simply walked out of the school at the end of the day.

"Wonderful," said Ro, dripping with sarcasm, "You remember when I said that nothing could be worse than impersonating a professional rapper? Well this is worse."

She closed her eyes as she remembered the horrors of impersonating a rap star. The clothing was too baggy and too tight at the same time, and she could not rhyme to save her life. She shook her head as she repeated.

"Much, much worse."

Since Zee could not camouflage her, she would have to dress up like a boy in order to avoid detection. Thus, the duo had taken great pains to get a convincing disguise for Ro.

The fat-suit would hide her more womanly features while a heavy dose of makeup and a wig would give her enough of a boyish look that no one would question anything for a while, not if she talked her way through the day using her digitally lowered voice.

Zee would have to save his holographing abilities to get Bucky out of the school by disguising them both and making a speedy getaway.

As they both refined their costumes in the mirror of the cheap hotel they were lodged in, Ro heard a sizzling sound as Zee's face suddenly sprouted a long handlebar mustache.

"Do you think a mustache would be appropriate for a School Inspector?" He inquired.

"Not unless their on the 'roids." She said sarcastically. This humiliating venture was beginning to tax her patience.

"So no?"

"No, Zee."

At last she had on all parts of the disguise. Of course, the school Bucky happened to be interned in had a dress code, so she had to force her fat-suit into an ill fitting Dress shirt, blazer, and uncomfortable black shoes. Finally, when everything was ready, she had only to put on the plaid tie. As she paused, tie in hand, she realized that she had not the slightest idea of how to tie a tie.

After all her adventures with Zee, she could now drive almost any vehicle, fire with proficiency almost any weapon, and talk her way out of a fix as if she had swallowed the entire blarney stone.

But tying a tie had never been a part of her job description.

"Zee, do you know anything about tying one of these?" She questioned.

"Those are tied?" He naively responded.

"What did you think, they were sown?"

"No I thought that they were built in to certain shirts. Why would someone voluntarily strangle themselves?"

"I'm pretty sure its not supposed to strangle you. Its just supposed to make you look official or pretentious. I can never decide which."

"Well, does it come with a manual?"

"…. No. Why don't we just check the net for instructions."

Zee hooked himself into the nearest computer terminal and Ro watched as he navigated through the internet like a fish through water; quickly and efficiently.

"Ok stop. Look, this looks like a "how-to" site."

First, Ro tried. She tried to follow the instructions for a basic Windsor knot, but her first try ended in disaster when the knot turned out to be the size of her fist and the second was the size of a pencil.

Next Zee tried. He quickly realized that he did not possess the fine motor skills to manipulate the thin silk strands into a complex knot.

So it was up to Ro. She gave it multiple tries, never getting the desired result. It was either too long, too short, or too asphyxiating. After many tries, she got something that resembled a correctly tied tie.

"Alright Zee, How do I look?"

"I think the tie is backwards." He responded. It was true; she had tied the fat end into a knot and left the thin end hanging.

"That's it!" She yelled throwing the tie to the floor in frustration. We need someone who already knows how to do this.

"Doesn't Bennet wear a tie?"

"Yes, Zee, but what're we gonna do? Just waltz in and say, 'Hey Bennet! Sure there's an international manhunt going on for us, but could we just call a time out for a second and ask you how to tie this?'" She said holding up the flat article of clothing that had caused them so much trouble.

"Well, no. But maybe we could call him from a secure phone line and ask him."

"Very funny Zee, but I have a better idea."

"Oh, I know how these ideas usually turn out." Zee said with mock condescension.

"You know it!" She countered. She grabbed his arm and they rushed outside, tie in hand.

**Meanwhile**,

Max was just an ordinary teenager on his way to meet a few friends for an evening of "hanging out." He was a simple teenager, just looking to have a good time. So it was a bit of a surprise to him when, as he walked through the streets, two rather odd strangers started to rush at him vigorously motioning for him to stop and talk to them. His first thought was that he was going to be mugged, but when he took a second look, he realized that his situation was probably much worse than that.

The two characters rushing towards him were anything but dangerous. The first appeared to be young chubby boy with dark brown hair that seemed to be precariously perched on top of his head, almost as if it was a wig that had only been half attached. Something about this boy seemed intrinsically effeminate; everything from his gait to the grin on his face seemed to be slightly off.

The boy's companion did not look any better. He seemed to be young man in his early twenties, not immediately threatening, but he wore the most peculiar expression, almost like an expression mixed between naïveté, mischief, and fun. All in all, it did not bode well.

They ran up to him and the boy began, speaking in a ridiculously high voice, much too high to be normal.

"Excuse me, sir!" He demanded, "my associate and I are from the National Census Bureau. We are currently conducting a survey designed to measure the average intelligence of the random individual by administering simple everyday tasks that must be performed under pressure."

While the Boy was saying this, the Young Man by his side pulled out, though Max would swear later during therapy that it just materialized out of thin air, an official looking badge declaring "National Census Bureau" on it.

"In your case," the Young Man said, putting the badge away, "we will ask you to tie this tie." Which the boy promptly produced from the pocket of his ill-fitting sports jacket.

Now by this point, Max was confused beyond all reason and decided that maybe if he just played along with these self proclaimed officials, they would go away.

"Uhhh…" he stammered out, "Okay." He took the tie from the grinning Boy's hand. The Boy continued:

"However, you remember that this is a stress test, so you must tie this tie around my neck. Perfectly. Or else you will be given an unsatisfactory mark on your IQ report."

"w-what??" He said in a very small sounding voice.

"Come on; don't tell me this is your first time?" The boy replied in his unbelievably high and now faintly seductive voice. "Any cutie like you should be able to do this, right?"

Max was freaked out beyond recognition by this chubby, demanding, ill-suited, and now evidently gay Boy and his threatening accomplice.

Four eyes were focused on him as Max's trembling hands brought the ends of the tie into a basic knot. As he tightened the knot around the Boy's neck, the Boy stared straight at him for a few momentously uncomfortable moments before grabbing his hand and shaking vigorously.

"Thank you very much, a really top notch performance, I am quite sure that you will receive top marks on your IQ report. However, my accomplice and I have other matters to attend to so we must leave you now." Said Ro quickly.

As the threatening Young Man also shook his hand, Max could feel that his apparently muscular hand was cold and bony, like metal almost. But before he could say anything else, the two characters had run off as quickly as they had come, leaving him bewildered, confused, and somehow violated. He could hear them laughing in the distance.

As he sat down on the stoop, while his senses returned to him, he finally said to himself, "What the hell was that!?"

* * *

What the hell was that, boys and girls? What the hell was it. Well, if you think you know, click the little inviting purple button that is just sitting there, waiting to be clicked. Whoever clicks first gets the exclusive rights to Max.

-Encoder


End file.
